I'm thinking of becoming a stand-up comic

Here's my first stand-up joke.

I think I'm going to start smoking...but not because I like the smell or how cool it makes you look.
I just really like littering...dangerously.

I'd be very Mitch Hedberg-like

There should be an audible beautifully sweeping score at all moments in my life.

Lately, I've made a few car-related decisions.

I bought a car in August, and I just finalized the sale of my old car this morning.

Let me tell you, in both cases there was an internal struggle of grand scale raging within me. I'm talking good vs. evil/empire vs. rebellion/Roy Munson vs. Ernie McCrackin type struggle.

So far, I'm pretty sure I came out on top in both battles (I got a great deal buying and a decent deal selling), but seeing as how I'm a keen observer, I couldn't help but notice that no triumphal theme music played in the background in the post transaction excitement. (There's also never any laugh track played after my particularly hilarious jokes and hijinx, but that's a different matter altogether.)

Somebody call Hans Zimmer and get him to look into this. I need more french horns and violas in my life.

Prisoner's Dilemma

Imagine that you and an associate rob a bank and flee the scene. You are both arrested a few hours later and immediately separated.

During the interrogation you and your associate have two options:

1. Tell the truth
2. Tell nothing

These two options lead to four possible outcomes:

1. You both tell the truth
2. You tell the truth and your partner stays silent
3. Your partner tells the truth and you stay silent
4. You both stay silent

These four outcomes each lead to different punishments:

1. If neither of you talk, you both get 2 years in prison.
2. If only your partner talks, you do 10 years
3. If only you talk, you get off scot free
4. If both of you talk you both do 7 years

What do you choose?

Your first instinct would be to talk and hope your partner stays quiet so you don't do any jail time, because who wants to go to prison, but careful now...really think about it. If you do talk, and our partner talk also, you get a pretty long jail term. So you stay quiet, and hope your partner does too, that way you only do 2 years...but if your partner knows you aren't going to talk, do you really think they wouldn't rat you out to get out of doing any jail time?

Ashley Simpson (or Pieces of Me)

Son
brother
friend
employee
husband
employer
father

Out of the many things a man gets to be
the one I'd sacrifice for any of the others is employee.

Good Choices

It's funny how smells bring back memories.

Yesterday, I was hit with the smell of every school cafeteria in which I've ever been.

It's also funny where the mind leads you when a memory brings out a random thought.

Cafeterias always remind me of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and as I thought about my years-long routine of daily pb&j I started thinking about how my tastes have evolved since childhood.

I don't like to chew on Jolly Ranchers, pizza is not my favorite food, and I get sick of eating ice cream after the first scoop for example.

So what's different about peanut butter and jelly?

Not much

But I've found a much better use for peanut butter: apple slices.

It's not to say that jelly is bad, or that it doesn't go well with peanut butter. It's just that peanut butter is better with apple slices.

It is at once crisp and smooth, sweet and savory, and cold and warm. And for good measure, it's better for you.

How many things in life afford you so much variability yet such consistency in goodness?

Not many.

Writing it down makes me understand why I never get bored with it.

Now take a second and think about it. What things in your life are the jelly? What things in your life are good, but not the best? I challenge you to cut those things out as soon as you see them. Finding comfort in good will kill your best. It's easy to stick with what has been getting you by because it hasn't let you down, but we were not made for simply getting by. We were created for excellence.

Go and find the apple slices to your peanut butter.

Poor choices

At work, I park in a parking garage that uses meters instead of gate tickets. I get to work at about 6:15 everyday, and the meters don't start till 7:00. From what I can tell, the ticket guy goes around twice a day (while I'm at work). First around 10:00 and second around 3:00.

Yesterday, I went out to my meter at 9:45 like I always do. Still no ticket. Great.

In goes my money. I put in 5 hours and 45 minutes worth (enough to get me to 3:15) and I head back to work.

I had some catching up to do at work because of my recent jaunt to California, so I stay a bit later than I usually do. I get out to my car after work to find a beautiful little $35 ticket on my windshield.

I think, "Oh, well. He must come around again some time between 4:00 and 5:00."

Not so. I open up the ticket to take a look at the time of issue......3:20. 5 minutes after my meter ran out.

Now, for those of you keeping score at home, you get 30 minutes for every quarter you put in these meters (that's pretty cheap for these parts).

So, for the price of one of these:






















I wouldn't have gotten one of these:





















That is an expensive nickel.