Monday, December 31, 2007

AD vs. CE

I remember my teachers in high school fighting to get the students to stop calling the years AD and instead use the religion-neutral CE. They argued that being state sponsored employees, they couldn't use anno domingo (year of our lord) as it would be a violation of the constitution's separation of church and state clause.

What about these?

Sunday: Sunne - Gemanic goddess of the sun
Monday: Mona - Gemanic moon god
Tuesday: Tiu - Norse god of war, Son of Odin
Wednesday: Wodin - Alternate spelling of Odin, Norse supreme god
Thursday: Thor - Norse god of thunder
Friday: Frigg - Norse goddess of beauty, Wife of Odin
Saturday: Saturn - Ancient Greek supreme god
January: Janus - Roman two-faced god of gateways
February: Februa - Roman day of purification
March: Mars - Roman god of war
April: Aphrodite - Greek goddess of love
May: Maia - Roman goddess of fertility
June: Juno - Ancient Roman queen of the gods

So, if we are to do away with AD as our denotation of years then I suggest we do away with all the other names with religious undertones.

Who's with me?



Friday, December 28, 2007

Henry, 'King of Unintentional Comedy,' Strikes Again

I would have been throwing hoops around Santa's Christmas tree.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Australian Animals








ps: why is that anteater wearing a sweater-vest?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

According to the Panhandler Outside of Bethesda Bagel this Morning:

People with diabetes are not to be trusted at 23 stories above the ground.
People with diabetes can't work for Clark Construction.
You don't know nothin till you get your hands dirty.
I need to pick up a hammer.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

From Now On...

All sneakers will be known as boots.

i.e. 'Did you see my fresh new boots?' or 'My new running boots are so light.' or 'I have more boots than any straight man should.'

That is all.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Working Titles of Super-Groups

The League of Extrodinarily Gentle Men
Lawfullness Brotherhood of the United States
The Community of the Golden Finger Jewlery.
The Superfriends...(wait...that was the name they settled on?)

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I'm thinking of becoming a stand-up comic

Here's my first stand-up joke.

I think I'm going to start smoking...but not because I like the smell or how cool it makes you look.
I just really like littering...dangerously.

I'd be very Mitch Hedberg-like

Monday, October 29, 2007

There should be an audible beautifully sweeping score at all moments in my life.

Lately, I've made a few car-related decisions.

I bought a car in August, and I just finalized the sale of my old car this morning.

Let me tell you, in both cases there was an internal struggle of grand scale raging within me. I'm talking good vs. evil/empire vs. rebellion/Roy Munson vs. Ernie McCrackin type struggle.

So far, I'm pretty sure I came out on top in both battles (I got a great deal buying and a decent deal selling), but seeing as how I'm a keen observer, I couldn't help but notice that no triumphal theme music played in the background in the post transaction excitement. (There's also never any laugh track played after my particularly hilarious jokes and hijinx, but that's a different matter altogether.)

Somebody call Hans Zimmer and get him to look into this. I need more french horns and violas in my life.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Prisoner's Dilemma

Imagine that you and an associate rob a bank and flee the scene. You are both arrested a few hours later and immediately separated.

During the interrogation you and your associate have two options:
  1. Tell the truth
  2. Tell nothing

These two options lead to four possible outcomes:

  1. You both tell the truth
  2. You tell the truth and your partner stays silent
  3. Your partner tells the truth and you stay silent
  4. You both stay silent

These four outcomes each lead to different punishments:

  1. If neither of you talk, you both get 2 years in prison.
  2. If only your partner talks, you do 10 years
  3. If only you talk, you get off scot free
  4. If both of you talk you both do 7 years

What do you choose?

Your first instinct would be to talk and hope your partner stays quiet so you don't do any jail time, because who wants to go to prison, but careful now...really think about it. If you do talk, and our partner talk also, you get a pretty long jail term. So you stay quiet, and hope your partner does too, that way you only do 2 years...but if your partner knows you aren't going to talk, do you really think they wouldn't rat you out to get out of doing any jail time?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Ashley Simpson (or Pieces of Me)


Out of the many things a man gets to be
the one I'd sacrifice for any of the others is employee.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Good Choices

It's funny how smells bring back memories.

Yesterday, I was hit with the smell of every school cafeteria in which I've ever been.

It's also funny where the mind leads you when a memory brings out a random thought.

Cafeterias always remind me of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and as I thought about my years-long routine of daily pb&j I started thinking about how my tastes have evolved since childhood.

I don't like to chew on Jolly Ranchers, pizza is not my favorite food, and I get sick of eating ice cream after the first scoop for example.

So what's different about peanut butter and jelly?

Not much

But I've found a much better use for peanut butter: apple slices.

It's not to say that jelly is bad, or that it doesn't go well with peanut butter. It's just that peanut butter is better with apple slices.

It is at once crisp and smooth, sweet and savory, and cold and warm. And for good measure, it's better for you.

How many things in life afford you so much variability yet such consistency in goodness?

Not many.

Writing it down makes me understand why I never get bored with it.

Now take a second and think about it. What things in your life are the jelly? What things in your life are good, but not the best? I challenge you to cut those things out as soon as you see them. Finding comfort in good will kill your best. It's easy to stick with what has been getting you by because it hasn't let you down, but we were not made for simply getting by. We were created for excellence.

Go and find the apple slices to your peanut butter.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Poor choices

At work, I park in a parking garage that uses meters instead of gate tickets. I get to work at about 6:15 everyday, and the meters don't start till 7:00. From what I can tell, the ticket guy goes around twice a day (while I'm at work). First around 10:00 and second around 3:00.

Yesterday, I went out to my meter at 9:45 like I always do. Still no ticket. Great.

In goes my money. I put in 5 hours and 45 minutes worth (enough to get me to 3:15) and I head back to work.

I had some catching up to do at work because of my recent jaunt to California, so I stay a bit later than I usually do. I get out to my car after work to find a beautiful little $35 ticket on my windshield.

I think, "Oh, well. He must come around again some time between 4:00 and 5:00."

Not so. I open up the ticket to take a look at the time of issue......3:20. 5 minutes after my meter ran out.

Now, for those of you keeping score at home, you get 30 minutes for every quarter you put in these meters (that's pretty cheap for these parts).

So, for the price of one of these:

I wouldn't have gotten one of these:

That is an expensive nickel.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Rejected Snapple Facts

"Real Fact" #233 - Hulk Hogan can drink his weight in beef gravy.

"Real Fact" #124 - There is a polar bear right behind you.

"Real Fact" #104 - "The best stuff on Earth" includes acesulfame potassium.

Monday, September 17, 2007


I hadn't posted anything in a while, so I felt compelled.

Ty: Let me tell you a little story. I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting... just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?

Danny: No.

Ty: Take one good guess.

Danny: Bob Hope?

Ty: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Now, don't get bent out of shape...

Why do people who believe that global warming is cause by human pollution typically reference sources like "a scientific concensus" or "the scientific academies of the major industrialized nations and other scientific organizations?"

Why not just give me the source. When did peer pressure become an accepted form of scientific discourse?

I'm not taking sides on this one, because I haven't ever seen the information. It's always just some shadowy anonymous analysis of the information by "top scientists."

I'm a relatively smart guy, I can handle it.

And another thing, why is anyone who presents the possibility that global warming is not our fault viewed as a heretic or worse? (Inquisition, anyone?)

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Hey...come here for a minute.

Dude: You're Mormon, right?
Me: What?
Dude: Why are the lights on that temple next to I-495 on some times and not other times?
Me: Uh...I'm not Mormon.
Dude: Oh...There was a rumor going around that you're Mormon.
Me: Nope.

...hours later...

Dude: So what are you?
Me: What?
Dude: If you're not Mormon, what are you?
Me: Christian

The best part: he can tell that I'm different.
Now what?

Friday, August 31, 2007

Things Henry Says

Henry is a king of unintentional comedy. Observe these gems:
  1. He's trying to run me around the merryberry bush. (what?)
  2. (After thinking for a few minutes about how a rat could have eaten his Fig Newtons) He must be in here. (in here = in the room where his Fig Newtons were sitting on the floor)
  3. (singing) It's a lover's question, I'd like to know. Does she loves me when.....does she loves me......I forget the words.....hold on....does she loves me.........Lou Rawls. You ever listen to Lou Rawls?


Friday, August 24, 2007

Very Movie-like

I dropped her off at the airport on Wednesday morning.

It was very dramatic.

I wanted to give her a shirt of mine that she could wear around when she missed me, but in all the sadness, I forgot to actually give it to her when she got out of the car.

We said our goodbyes, and I drove off.

Suddenly I remembered the shirt on my back seat and raced around the circle so I could back to her before she got away from the ticket stand. I pulled up and jumped out of my car without thinking about how I was parked in a no parking zone. I ran in, but she wasn't at the counter...there was no counter. She had bought and printed out her ticket at home. I ran to the security screening area and shouted her name. She was there, handing her ticket to the ID checker.

She heard me.

Quickly, she dropped her bags at the guards feet and stooped under the black belts that make up the temporary barriers as she made her way back to me.

We hugged one last time as I handed her the shirt.

We said our second set of last goodbyes, and I walked out.

Very movie-like.

Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy,

but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Dear God,

Let us rock their faces off.

One of my guitar cases went from merely functional to the coolest case I've ever seen in a few strokes of a paint pen by a beautiful woman and about an hour.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Let's be serious for once

At any given point, I probably have 5-10 unfinished songs banging around my brain, fighting for face time.

Here's the first line of one I wrote on the Metro last summer:

Say goodbye to the sky;
we're going under.

I think it has potential, but there's no reason it shouldn't be longer by now.

My grandfather always says, "Put your hands where your heart is."
Maybe I need to follow his advice.

Priorities, priorities.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

On an unrelated note:

My coworker's desk is up on blocks...

My guess is somebody stole his wheels.

There would be much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Never use the phrase, "I'm not a racist, but..."

Good things do not follow.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I was browsing Wikipedia today...

I've decided to keep a regular short column on the site called "I was browsing Wikipedia today..."

Each update will start with, "I was browsing Wikipedia today..." and they'll continue with something like, "and I discovered that Carl Sagan was among the first to hypothesize that Saturn's moon Titan and Jupiter's moon Europa may possess oceans, a subsurface ocean, as in the case of Europa, or lakes, thus making the hypothesized water ocean on Europa potentially habitable for life."

Pray to God that it won't be nearly that boring.......

Now, if I haven't lost my readers by now, I'd like to present you with the first of many installments of "I was browsing Wikipedia today..."

I was browsing Wikipedia today and it turns out that Corey Feldman is, in fact, not dead.

Not only is he not dead, but he's mounting a comeback using the only method a washed-up has-been should...reality TV. In what we can only hope to be a very short-lived venture, Corey Feldman and Cory Haim want to waste 22 minutes of your time once a week with the crazy antics of middle-aged men starving for attention. I'll spare you the details of the show, so as to avoid the inevitable dry heaves and cold sweats.

The Goonies = Awesome
The Two Coreys = Not Awesome

Alas, poor Clark "Mouth" Devereaux, we hardly knew you. You will be missed.